Helping Someone You Know Who is Abusive

Nobody wants to think they know an abuser.  But whether it's a friend, a family member, a neighbor or a co-worker, the chances are good that sometime you will notice someone treating a spouse or partner in a way that makes you uncomfortable. And you worry that when they’re alone, it may be worse. 

What can you do?

Draw attention to it.   “When you do that, it makes her feel bad.”  “Did you mean to be so rough? That’s not cool.”

Tell your friend what you think.   “I’m surprised to see you act that way. You’re better than that.”   “This makes me really uncomfortable. It’s not right.”

Offer suggestions or solutions.  “Kids learn from their parents. Is this how you want your kid to behave?”  “How would you feel if your daughter chose someone who acted like this?”  “Call me if you feel like you’re losing control.”

If your friend demonstares behavior that is criminal, tell him so.  “Domestic violence is a crime. You could be arrested for this.”   “You could end up in jail if you don’t find a way to deal with your problems. Then what would happen to you and your family?”

Will it make a difference?
 
Maybe not. But you know that you need to say something. Your silence is the same as saying you approve.
 
Or maybe it will make a difference.  Maybe your friend will take you seriously and decide to change.  You can find a list of domestic violence offender treatment providers at the Domestic Violence Offender Management Board website. 
 
Men learn to put down and abuse women from other men, and they can also learn from other men how to respect women. When you decide that violence against women is unacceptable and choose to lead, other men will begin to think twice before they strike with their words or fists.
 

The US Department of Justice estimates that more than 90% of all relationship violence victims are female and most abusers are male. For that reason, this website  frequently uses "she" when referring to victims and "he" when referring to abusers.  However, whether the victim is male or female, violence of any kind is unacceptable in relationships. Male victims of domestic violence should access our list of Colorado Crisis Numbers or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at at 800.799.SAFE.